Why am I doing this to myself?

I’ve been thinking a lot over the last week about what I want to achieve as I try to lose weight and what my motivation is for starting out on this journey. I know myself well enough to know that I need to have thought everything through properly and come up with valid reasons why I need to do it if I’m going to stick to it in the long term. Ultimately I know I need to so I’ve written a list of my motivations and aims to keep me going when it gets hard and I want to give up. A year ago I would have said I have no willpower but now I know I do. I completed a marathon, and trust me 26 miles is a long way. You can only achieve something like that with a hell of a lot of determination and willpower. So I KNOW I can do this!

OK…..so here are my reasons why I want/need to do this:

  1. To set a good example to my daughter.
    • She’s almost nine now and I want her to never struggle with her weight and all the issues that go with that. I want her to be happy with who she is and the shape of her body. It’s hard for that to be the case when she see’s me constantly putting my own body down because I’m unhappy with how I look. I need to change that, especially before she starts secondary school when these things suddenly start to matter to young girls.
    • I also want her to have a healthy attitude to food. I want her to know that healthy food can taste good and to want to choose healthier options over crap like crisps and chocolate. She needs to know that these are occasional treats and not go to first choice foods. I’m the worst example in the world about this at the moment!
    • So I basically need to have a complete and utter personality transplant and become the person I want her to be when it comes to body image attitudes and food choices
  2. To be healthy
    • I can feel it in my body that all this weight is taking its toll. I never have any energy. And lets face it, it’s understandable. I fuel myself with junk. It takes a lot of energy to haul this beached whale around all day. It’s no wonder I’m tired
    • I haven’t had a period in over a year. I have PCOS so this isn’t unusual but the less flab I have the more regular my cycle is. The hubby isn’t keen on having another baby so quite likes my lack of fertility but I’m open to the idea of another so like it less. And not having periods is actually quite bad for you.
    • I’m going bald. Again this is linked to the PCOS. I would guess that the less I weigh the more likely this is to sort itself out. And hopefully my hair can grow back. I hate losing my hair the most. It’s probably the one thing that truly makes me want to cry about being a fatso. I used to have beautiful thick hair and I want that again!
    • My hips are always achy….this is directly a result of my weight. They’ve got more sore the bigger I’ve got. They nearly killed me while I was marathon training. I would quite like to not be in pain!
  3. I want to look good in a swimming costume
    • Yes it’s shallow and vain but I do want to look good when I’m sat by the pool on holiday. I’m in my thirties, have had a baby and will have a saggy tummy forever so a bikini is out but I would like to feel better about exposing my body in public in a swimming costume.
    • Every year I go on holiday and every year I feel like crap on the beach. Every year I swear something needs to change but never do anything. This year I know I have a new self belief so I know I can do it and I will do it!
  4. I want to be able to shop in normal clothes shops
    • Plus sized clothes suck! They’re not my taste and they’re expensive! I end up buying most of my clothes on eBay. This is because it means its affordable, and it saves me the torture of going into town. My local New Look obviously doesn’t want fat customers because they don’t stock the plus size range anymore. I really like fashion and losing my style has been hard. I can’t buy the clothes I like in my size and if I could they wouldn’t suit my body shape anymore. I think secretly my husband is happy about this development because I no longer dress like a hippy and I’m much more conservative. He has been warned that as I lose weight the hippy is returning! I have to put up with him as a chav so it seems only fair.
  5. I want to eat in a restaurant without feeling people are judging my food choices
    • I think every fat person has been in this situation. Your in a restaurant with your family and you order a burger and chips. You then feel seriously self conscious as you eat it because you feel like every skinny person in there is wondering why a fat person would eat yet more junk food. I hate eating out because I feel judged. I used to love it and want to get back to that! I know I should be a stronger person and think ‘Screw You’ to all the people and ignore it but I’m not that person!
  6. I want to go to theme parks etc
    • I have a young child who is currently discovering the joy of theme parks, water parks and such like. I want to be able to go to these places with her. At the moment I can’t because I know I’m too fat to fit into the rides. I know I need to do something about this because it isn’t fair that she misses out because I eat too much crap and drink too much wine (honestly I’m not an alcoholic!). I also want to be able to get on a plane without worrying about whether the seat belt will fit me! I like to travel and hope to go abroad 3 times in the next 12 months plus I fly to Scotland to visit my sister a couple of times a year so this is a big one too!

OK, so they are my reasons. I know I’ve probably sounded really miserable there. I promise you I’m not in general! I don’t like my size particularly but I do like my life. I have a beautiful daughter, a husband who isn’t a complete waste of space and makes me happy. I love my job, have a nice house and a good family. Generally life is good. Sorting my weight and the issues that go with it would just be the icing on the cake I think!

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